strawberry letter 23

those of you who know me may already be aware of my strawberry obsession, which began roughly around the age of 5, when i got a strawberry shortcake bedroom set. strawberry shortcake kept away many a bad dream with the combination of her bad-ass doc martins and the cheery 'have a berry nice day' written all over my bedspread. i loved it. i also love(d) real strawberries, and it became the theme of every birthday party i had- strawberry cupcakes with pink frosting, strawberry ice cream, juice, candies, and cakes... mom knew how to stick to a theme.

due to this long-time love, i was extremely pleased to find that strawberries are big here in turkey. not only are they cheap, but as with most of the produce here, they are naturally grown and delicious, and in season earlier than in the us. we've been buying them by the kilo. yesterday i realized i had a LOT of strawberries on hand, and needed something to do with them...

i looked up a few recipes, and then remembered the strawberry pie that family friends used to make. so i emailed an old friend, and requested the special family recipe. i first tasted this pie on rabbit island, ny, when visiting this family at their summer rental. it is the BEST pie. ever. they baked me two of their special pies for my high school graduation gift. i think that was the last time i had it. so, i wasn't sure if they'd be willing to give up the recipe... but,being the kind & special folks they are, i quickly received a response to my email with the recipe for this magical pie... and i got to work. within no time, this

became this!

it's not quite as pretty as the pies my friends used to make, but i think it came out ok. i haven't tried it yet, it's going to be my contribution to dinner at a friend's house tonight. but i am sooo looking forward to it.

oh, and the title of this blog? is the name of the shuggie otis song i listened to while baking my strawberry pie. just, you know, doing as my mother taught me & keeping with the theme... of strawberries ; )

apple, i salute you

i've been thinking lately about how much things change. most recently, when i was at the gym, using my newest shiniest gadget, the ipod shuffle. it started out as a gift for ben's birthday, then i decided to get two, since the thing just seemed so dang cool, and really, ben shouldn't be the only one who gets to have all of the fun gadgets. it arrived in the mail this week and i have since fallen in love with its teeny-tiny-shinyness. it's amazing to think that i've gone from this...

... (a gift from my uber-cool aunt carrie & uncle greg... who were total teckie trend-setters in the early 80's... my sisters and i used them to record news broadcasts from our make-shift studio underneath the dining room table) to this...

...(i truly believed i was THE SHIT when i bought my first sony sports walkman from ames, with its auto-reverse playability, handy snap-shut tape deck & orange hand-band, so i could hold it in my hand whilst running, or riding my bike the 2.5 miles into town as a teenager. it accompanied me to many track meets, play rehearsals, field trips, and hiking adventures... and played many a mix tape and perhaps a few cranberries, salt n' peppa, and jewel albums. i think i went through 3 of them by the time i finally, reluctantly, up-graded to the disc-man) to this...

...(ben MADE me use the coin in the picture to display the tiny-factor. the turkish lira, pictured, is about the size of a quarter. i told ben no one would know how big a lira is.)

ok, so there have been a FEW more steps in there that i excluded, but you get the point. the thing is smaller than a jump drive. it makes going to the gym sooo much more enjoyable. well, not really, but it's convenient as hell, so there IS that. and instead of standing on the treadmill for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to work the fancy schmancy ipod-playing machines they have (that NEVER work properly), i can just clip my new gadget to my shirt and go. what will apple come up with next? i'm kind of scared to find out.

sunday brunch

with ben's folks.

listening to the obama song

brudders
benjmin
mmmm... brunch.
the very serious business of blowing bubbles, 'to mix the juice.'

birthday fun: the day of

we had fun celebrating yesterday, just the two of us. he started out the day with a new tie, and ended with antique cufflinks and a dinner for two with a view of the city... oh, and there was also the enormous Y cake that arrived at the office, courtesy of ben's folks. luckily none of our neighboring offices were opposed to an afternoon cake-break.

happy birthday handsome!

birthday fun

ben's turning 30 this week, and the celebrating has already begun, thanks to our friends. sally & jeff planned a fun-filled afternoon of go-carting, bowling & dinner at our favorite restaurant. i think ben's exact words were 'best birthday ever!'

here we are getting ready for the go-carting fun to begin. we had to wear hair-nets under our helmets.

the track
i was more scared than excited, and i think it showed when i screamed the entire time we were on the track. go-carting is not for me.
they were pretty competitive. ben won.

later, at the bowling alley, ben & jeff had a good time.
as you can see on the score board, i kicked ass! and i hadn't bowled in years. amazing.

in istanbul

with one busy work-week down and one more to go, i was glad to have a free afternoon to spend in istanbul on a beautiful day. these days, pictures seem better than words. here are a few...

we took a ferry ride across the bogaz (bosphorus)... only 1 lira 40 kurus gets you onboard to enjoy the amazing view

flowers are blooming all over the city

blue mosque in the distance
as the story goes, maiden's tower (pictured below on the island) was built by a sultan for his daughter to protect her from snakes because of his fear from a dream that she would die from a snake bite on her 18th birthday. unfortunately, according to legend, when he came to get her on the day of her birthday, he presented her with a fruit basked, and when she reached for it, a venimous snake reached out and bit her!
this is the train station- more like a fortress! built by zee germans
poor goose

making gozleme (a sort of turkish pancake usually filled with potatoes or cheese)

dried fruits & spices


locals enjoying the view
later we walked along the bogaz
stray dogs are everywhere. these two found a comfy spot in the park.
amazing yachts- the one on the left belongs to the us embassy.
more yachts
lots of fishermen were out

the bogaz was filled with jellyfish. i wouldn't want to go swimming in there!

all in all, a beautiful day for a walk along the bogaz.

heavy

a few days ago, sarah sent me the poem below...  it is beautiful, and one that you can surely relate to, if you've ever suffered the loss of someone close.  it got me thinking about grief.

these days the grief of losing my sister is weighing me down.  really, at times i can feel its physical weight on my body and spirit.  i try to out-run it on the treadmill at the gym, to let my body sweat it out.  i try to out-cook it in the kitchen, trying for the right ingredients to soothe the loss, but it seems i'm always lacking.

i often catch myself pretending she's still here.  she's in buffalo, i'm in turkey.  we just haven't seen each other for a bit.  but she'll be there, at that next family gathering.  we'll sit in the garden together and hug and laugh and talk when i'm home this june.  

but i know, i always know, it isn't true.  at times this reality can catch me off guard, make me re-live that terrible bit of news received only two months ago, as if it's happening all over again.  and there it is, that reality, almost tangible, painfully fresh & new.  

i think i'm still learning how to grieve her untimely death.  i think part of me is sad for my loss, while the rest of me is filled with so much rage at the world... at whatever is responsible for her missing out on the rest of her life.  her life that i witnessed, during all of my own life, and is now over.

i'm looking for signs that there is some meaning to this.  so far, i've found none.

last night i had a moment of that terrible, awful feeling of sadness.  i went into the bathroom to let it out for a bit.  usually i would go to ben, but sometimes, you have to face it alone.  i thought about her and cried.  when i was done, i wiped away the tears and went back to the couch.  i turned on the tv and was surprised to see that 'dirty harry' was playing, on turkish cable.  my sister introduced me to this movie, we watched the entire series in one night together a few years back.  she loved it, and so did i. and it just seemed too bizarre, for that movie to be playing, at that moment, in this country... too much of a coincidence.  

i'm taking it as a sign, that she is watching.  maybe it sounds crazy, but it's what i need right now.  it's how i'm balancing the grief with my life... how i'm finding my smile again.  

Heavy 
by Mary Oliver

That time
I thought I could not
go any closer to grief
without dying

I went closer,
and I did not die.
Surely God
had His hand in this,

as well as friends.
Still, I was bent,
and my laugher,
as the poet said,

was nowhere to be found.
Then said my friend Daniel
(brave even among lions),
"It's not the weight you carry

but how you carry it-
books, bricks, grief-
it's all in the way
you embrace it, balance it, carry it

when you cannot, and would not,
put it down."
So, I went practicing.
Have you noticed?

Have you heard
the laughter
that comes, now and again,
out of my startled mouth?

How I linger
to admire, admire, admire
the things of this world
that are kind, and maybe

also troubled-
roses in the wind,
the sea geese on the steep waves,
a love
to which there is no reply?