on becoming engaged in turkey, and the fanciness factor

to become engaged in turkey is not as easy as it is in the us, nor is it entirely up to the two who have chosen to spend the rest of their lives together. in fact, although ben and i consider ourselves to be engaged, we are not yet in the eyes of our turkish relatives. to them we are 'soz' or 'promised.' according to them i should not be wearing an engagement ring yet... not until we have an engagement ceremony (good thing i've sent it back to the us for re-sizing and am not, in fact, wearing it these days). the ceremony is called 'nisan' (neeshan).

i knew all of this when ben proposed, or had an idea, at least. i knew that some of ben's friends here in turkey have had engagement ceremonies that rival some of the biggest and best weddings i've attended back in the states. they have invited hundreds of guests and had locations constructed just for the event. so, you could say that getting engaged is kind of a big deal here.

ben and i are not fancy people. actually, i'm even less fancy than ben. to me, buying a new dress at marshall's (or, for a splurge, the banana republic outlet) is a big deal. ben has always been the fancier dresser... he's a european shopper, like the ones you see at woodbury commons going nuts. need i say more? he wears the 'fancy' pants in this relationship. ok, that was a bit cheesy.

well, now that we are soz, we are both becoming fancier people. and fast. ben's mother wants everything done right-- and this is a steep learning curve for us. just a little over two weeks from ben's proposal and we are in the midst of shopping and planning, planning and shopping.

yesterday we went around looking at possible locations for our engagement ceremony. now, this is where the 'we are not fancy people' part becomes relevant. we would like this to be an intimate affair: just family. my parents are going to be in town for a few weeks and we are planning the ceremony around their visit. so, we've got to find a place that is fancy enough to suit our guests (who are used to the bigger, fancy engagement ceremonies) and yet suitable for a small crowd. this, in ankara, is not easy.

in addition we've been shopping for our wedding bands (let me repeat: we've been engaged for a little over two weeks).

the ceremony itself is pretty traditional in the turkish sense. i don't know exactly what will happen, but i know it will involve dinner, some music, and the eldest person present joining ben and i with two rings that are tied to opposite ends of a ribbon (our wedding bands), by placing the rings on our right hands, then cutting the ribbon. we will wear the rings until our wedding ceremony, when they will be switched to our left hands. so, we need to choose our wedding bands and have them ready in time for the ceremony.

i do love the tradition in all of this. and i love that our promising ourselves to one another is a pretty big deal, and family and friends want to acknowledge that. i love that my parents will be able to meet most of ben's relatives upon their first visit to ankara. i also love that i get to buy a fancy new dress to be presented as 'the bride to be,' and it's not going to be purchased from an outlet mall.

i don't love the stress, the feeling like i have to pull this off- and pull it off right- in order to please everyone involved. i want my parents to meet ben's family, but let's face it, that adds another level of stress to the entire thing. i'm not worried about everyone getting along-- rather, i'm worried about them not being able to communicate (my parents? don't speak turkish. ben's aunt is pretty much the only one who speaks english on the balkaya side).

so, there you have it. this is what it is to be engaged (or, promised) in turkey. i really look forward to getting engaged so that i can go into full wedding planning mode (that's a lie...).

stay tuned!