today, you would have been 35. another milestone birthday. i think you would have probably been a little depressed about getting nearer to the big 4-0, but you usually had a pretty good attitude about these things. and, as you always proudly pointed out, you never looked your age.
we would have thrown you a party, or had a sister's weekend, like we did for your 30th, when we stayed on the lake in cooperstown. just us three. sarah and i threw an impromptu aretha franklin performance, singing & dancing along to her greatest hits, as you sat skeptical, slightly embarrassed for us, watching from the couch. you laughed with us though, took it all in stride... your two younger sisters, sooo dramatic.
we'd be planning your trip to turkey, your first, and all of the celebrating we'd do as a family.
now, when i cook something you would like - which is not very often, as you were a very picky eater - i like to pretend i'm cooking it for you. i think of the time when i bought salmon to make us a special new year's eve dinner, then learned you didn't like salmon, so i made you a cheeseburger instead. then you found a hair in it-my hair- and wouldn't eat a bite. we could barely stay awake until midnight that night, didn't finish the bottle of champagne after watching the ball drop.
on your ninth birthday, you got a michael jackson barbie doll among the other gifts you opened at breakfast. you were obsessed with him, hung his mail-ordered glove from the ceiling in your room, spinning in the breeze next to the unicorn and rainbows you were quickly outgrowing. being the impatient 5 year old i was, i took the doll out to the backyard while you were at school and lost his tiny microphone in the grass before you'd had a chance to use it.
on this may 25th, i want to celebrate with you, to honor you. i want bake you your favorite cake and watch you blow out the candles after a champagne toast. i want to be sarcastic with you; hear you laughing from the other room. i want to help you pick out a dress to wear in my wedding. i want you to know ben better and meet his family.
i want to sneak up behind you while you're reading the sunday paper, perched on a kitchen stool, poke you in the back and make you jump with surprise, shrieking my name. i want you to fall in love completely with someone, and tell me all of his best and worst habits. i want to sit around making fun of each other and pull your hair until you've had enough and your eyes go wide. i want you to tickle my knees until i laugh so hard i can't breathe; to hear stories from childhood that only you remember best. i want to do your make-up and share beauty products, sit up talking well past our bedtime. i want to hear you say my nickname in your mocking tone... kahhhtyyyaaaah. i want to tell secrets in soft candlelight on summer nights in the back garden.
mostly, i just want you to be here, celebrating with us, on your 35th birthday.
happy birthday, to my oldest sister.
4 comments:
Oh Katie, that was beautiful. I'm crying while sitting at my desk. I wish I could say something...anything...to ease your heartache. What a truly beautiful tribute to your sister. I'm thinking of you today and always. Miss you.
I'm so glad we've had a chance to talk so much over the past few days. I know Jenni is around us, and I know she would want us to hold each other close as we navigate this grief journey. We are so blessed to have had her in our lives.
Love you big..
xoxo
So beautiful, Katie Bug. I've been feeling Jenni all around me for the past several days, and today especially. What an amazing woman. I wish I could be holding you and Sarah tight today - I wish I could be raising a glass with Jenni! - but know my heart and thoughts are with you all. So much love, my dears.
This brought tears to my eyes, KT. I really felt like I was watching all your wishes happen as I read it. Jenni will always be there with you and will always be a part of the new memories you create. Love, you!
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