uncle greg

 i've been thinking lately about my uncle greg.  i don't know why more lately than usual, maybe it's the 4 year anniversary of his death this august.  or maybe it's because i've reached a major life milestone, marriage, and it's times like this that i used to turn to him for wisdom, advice, or a laugh, when it was most needed.  it's times like this that i will always feel his absence most.

greg was not really my uncle.  he was a dear family friend, one whom my parents met and befriended (along with his wife, my aunt carrie) when they were newlyweds living down the street in syracuse, before i was born.  greg and carrie were closer than any of our family, all of whom lived far away throughout our childhood, mostly on the west coast.  you know the quote, 'it takes a village to raise a child'?  well greg and carrie were very much a part of our 'village' as my sisters and i grew up, and can be counted among the biggest influences in our lives as children and young adults.  some of our best childhood memories include listening to & watching greg's animated bedtime stories, mostly telling tales of his time spent in a lab working with gorillas and chimpanzees.  we grew up with their kids and have always thought of them as extended siblings.

but i believe it was during my young adult years that uncle greg had the most profound affect on me.  in the spring of 2002, a year after graduating from college, i was feeling lost.  ok, more than lost.  i had moved home to live with my parents after college, unsure of what else i could do, where else i should go.  having worked non-stop since the age of 15, my first priority had been to find employment, which i had.  i was working two jobs, one as a substitute teacher during the day (thought i wanted to become an english teacher, found out i was sorely mistaken), and one as a front desk clerk at a local inn at night.  additionally i would sometimes work overnight shifts at a local bed and breakfast.  essentially, i was working all the time, and yet not working toward anything.  on top of this i was in the midst of ending my first serious relationship, which had left me heartbroken and seriously lacking in self confidence.

basically, i was having an incredibly rough transition into adulthood.  lots of people, including my parents, were there to help me.  but it is uncle greg's guidance and support that i remember from that time the most.

my whole life i had looked up to-- even idolized-- my uncle greg.  so much so that in my teenage years i actually avoided engaging in conversation with him because i felt i didn't have anything worthy to talk about.  luckily i outgrew that, and during this time, greg was having a tough time himself.  although i have learned, through some painful experiences of my own, to never presume to understand what another person is going through, i felt i could relate to uncle greg at that time, and he to me.  this was and will always be one of my most treasured relationships.  looking back, as much as that time in my life truly sucked, i wouldn't change it for anything.

i spent loads of time with uncle greg that spring.  much of our time together was spent gliding through the clouds.  uncle greg owned a glider, was an avid and experienced pilot, and would invite me to join him after work at the airfield, or on sunday afternoons before he joined us at my parent's house for dinner.  he taught me about gliding and after a few lessons even let me take over the controls while we were up in the air.  we'd spend that time in the sky talking about life.  about love and true heartbreak.  about growing up and growing old.  about our fears.  about why he would never, under any circumstances, go back to his early 20s because it was such a tough time, even for him.  and about his confidence in me, and why i was going to find my way and be just fine (he and carrie had always known it, turns out).

one of my favorite memories from that time was of my birthday dinner with uncle greg.  i was turning 22, and greg wanted to take me out to celebrate, just us two.  after gifting me with my first official lesson in flight, we headed to one of his favorite restaurants in a nearby town where he treated me to filet mignon.  i remember him ordering a bottle of a fabulous red wine, and how it made me feel so special, so very adult.  our conversation that night focused on heartbreak- mine, this time.  uncle greg was supportive, always, but that didn't prevent him from challenging me when he felt i needed it.  i remember feeling blown away when he asked me one simple question that night:  'just because you love someone, why do you feel they are obligated to love you back?'  i had never thought about this, almost resented being asked (because i'm me!  because i deserve it!  because i don't want to feel this way anymore!), until i realized he was totally right.  greg had a way of pointing these major truths out to you, of hitting you smack dab in the forehead with them, in the least threatening way.  that is among the many things that made him one of the most incredible people to walk this earth.  that, and his impression of a chimpanzee.  but i digress.

greg helped me professionally, too.  he  was the very well respected dean of student affairs at a medical school and he invited me to intern in his office that spring.  he introduced me to the director of admissions in his office, thinking we had a lot in common, and we did.  she began to mentor me.  i was able to spend some time and gain a little experience in their office, and with their help and reference, i applied for and was offered my first position in higher education.  i'm still working within that same field today.  greg knew me well, he knew my personality and my strengths.  he saw that i could excel in and enjoy the field of admissions... and as usual, he was spot on.

shortly before he died, i had taken a new position that brought me back to binghamton.  there, i met ben, and we immediately struck up a friendship that quickly turned into something more.  when mom turned 60 that year, we had a birthday dinner for her.  it was the first time i introduced ben to the whole family.  we shared an amazing evening all together, from which i have many treasured photos.  it was the last time any of us saw our dear uncle greg.  although he was somewhat skeptical of ben, being the slightly over-protective uncle he was, i'm so glad ben got to meet uncle greg, and vice versa.  i like to think that, given more time, more family celebrations and holidays together, they would have become very good friends.

as i celebrate this milestone of marriage in my life, i have to wonder what uncle greg would have said to me on my wedding day.  i had decided, years ago, that i would ask him to officiate my wedding ceremony, but sadly never had the chance to tell him that.  he might have brought some levity to the ceremony by donning a tuxedo t-shirt, as he did when he married his nephew a few years back.   my heart aches when i think of his oneofakind sense of humor, his head thrown back in raucous laughter.  i know he would be proud, elated, if only a little annoyed that it took us so long to get here. but still, i wonder, will always wonder, about the conversations we might have had and the advice he would have passed along.