emre's birth, one year later

as we count down the days to emre's first birthday (as i'm sure you are, as is the entire world.  no?), i'm caught up in memories of this time last year.  after re-reading my post about emre's birth, almost a year later, i was surprised how many of the details i left out.  i suppose i was just a little overwhelmed by the exhaustion and excitement of having just become a mother.

i think back on that time now so fondly.  sometimes i wish i could go back, relive the birth & magical first days all over again, other times i'm just so relieved to be beyond it and know what i know now.  it was by far the most exciting time of my life.  and the scariest.  and the happiest.


our excitement leading up to emre's birth was palpable.  we were just so anxious to meet him, to finally have him HERE.  i was curious about labor was going to be like, but i knew i'd get through it ok.  i wasn't scared. i just wanted to see my son!

dr. selale ('sheh-la-ley'), my ob/gyn, had instructed me to take some medication the night before emre's scheduled induction to help get things moving along.  i was really hoping to go into labor asap, so i foolishly hoped the medication would put me into labor that night (why would i ever want to go into labor in the middle of the night?).  much to my disappointment, she called me that evening to tell me NOT to take the medication.  a major snowstorm was predicted and she did not want us rushing to get to the hospital if i went into labor in the middle of the night.  i am SO thankful (now) that she prevented me from taking those meds!  when i woke up in the morning -actually, i didn't sleep at all that night, so more when i got out of bed - i decided to take the medication at 5am to give it time to work before we left for the hospital.  we had agreed to meet dr. selale there at 9am, so i figured this would give me a head start of 4 hours at home to get labor started.  well, within 30 minutes of taking those meds i got chills and my whole body started shaking uncontrollably.  i was in bed, but freezing.  ben rushed to cover me with any blankets he could find, but i kept shaking.  he did a quick search online and found out it was a very common side effect of the medicine - would have been good to know in advance!  but it was scary none the less.  it took about 1.5 hours for me to warm up and calm down enough to get out of bed, so i was really glad i'd taken the meds when i did, and it didn't delay our departure for the hospital (since there was a full blown snow storm outside, and it was only getting worse!).

i remember the drive to the hospital was thrilling for several reasons - the main being that we were on our way to deliver our child - and we KNEW we'd be meeting him by day's end.  a week after his due date, we'd waited long enough for this day to come! i had begun feeling contractions soon after taking the medicine, and generally uncomfortable.  the snow storm only added to the excitement, as it was a little touch & go at some points of the drive.  we'd left early though, and made it to the hospital before nine.



at the hospital, as i mentioned before, we learned that the birthing room our doctor had reserved was not available.  i was kicking myself for having taken it for granted that we'd get the birthing room that supposedly only ex-pats used (turks tend to opt for c-section).  this is turkey!  does anything ever go as planned?  no.  of course, all of my friends (many) who had given birth at guven hospital were given that room, so i figured it wasn't a problem.  naturally on the day i go into  labor, the place is full up!  only adding to my anxiety, my doctor was late (turks always are, even for a scheduled labor!).  when she did arrive, she asked a nurse to help me into a hospital gown.  the nurse took me into the surgical suite to change.  i was already cold (still chilled from the meds and snowy weather outside), and that room was FREEZING.  but i slowly put the gown on with her help.  as i bent down to pick up my jeans from the floor, my water broke.  it felt like something was wrong (obviously, not a sensation i'd felt before), so i got scared and began to cry.  when i noticed the water was stained with meconium, i really started to lose it.  luckily dr. selale is about as calm as they come, and assured me there was nothing to worry about.  she hooked me up to an iv of petocin to speed up the contractions (due to the meconium).

within 30 minutes i was experiencing extremely strong, extremely painful contractions.  we were still in that cold surgical suite, and since i was hooked up to an iv, i couldn't move around much.  i was wearing a backless hospital gown and my water was continuing to leak - so i was basically extremely uncomfortable.  being in the sterile, cold & uncomfortable surgical suite and feeling the increasingly painful contractions, i began getting nervous and wondering if i'd made the right decision to remain in turkey for emre's birth.  ben was doing his best to keep me calm.  after one of the contractions i became nauseous and vomited - into the only receptacle ben could find on short notice: a bed pan.  i think it was around that time that we both agreed enough was enough and it was time for the epidural.

getting the epidural was also scary, something i hadn't anticipated.  it was painful, and caused some odd sensations in my hips (as the needle the anesthesiologist was inserting came into contact with the nerves around the spinal cord).  i wondered if THAT had been the right decision, until 30 minutes or so later when i was finally able to relax and not feel as much of the pain.  we were finally given a private room - that was quiet and very warm, with a nice big window.  i spent much of the next 3 hours watching the snow accumulating outside, with my doc checking my progress every hour.  i finally started feeling again like i could do this.  ben played music and i read some magazines.

i could still feel the contractions, but i could NOT feel my legs.  i tried to get up and walk somewhat regularly, to entice emre down the birth canal, but i had to keep my knees locked to avoid falling.  when selale told me i was ready for pushing, we decided i'd go to the bathroom first.  well, ben figured he could just lead me into the bathroom and leave me there to do my business.  he was embarrassed about what the young nurse who was helping us would think if he went in with me (!!!).  i?  was pretty sure she'd seen a lot worse in the maternity ward, and was fairly certain i could not do it.  well, when he released me to do my business on my own, i immediately fell - hitting the toilet seat on my way down.  luckily, ben caught me before i hit the ground!  when i hit the toilet?  the seat cracked.  i decided right then that any shred of dignity i had left was gone (turned out later that was not the case - there was still plenty more to lose before 6:08pm).

when we walked back into the surgical suite to begin pushing, selale got me set up - laying on an operating table with my legs up in the stirrups - and told me to push when i felt a contraction.  and then she left!  i began to wonder if my whole labor and delivery would be this anti-climactic.  i had envisioned it very differently.  but, ben and i spent the first 30 minutes or so of the delivery alone in a surgical suite, with the exception of the nurses who kept coming in for supplies from a cabinet in the room (nevermind the pregnant lady giving birth with her legs up in the air.  no, nevermind her!).  selale would check on me from time to time, but i guess i did a good enough job on my own at the beginning.

what i had not anticipated was that my delivery would be so quiet & calm.  unlike in all of the movies i'd seen with women shouting, i found the best way to get through it was to put all of my strength and energy into pushing.  i remained silent, pushing as hard as i could when i had to, and then resting with my eyes closed or taking sips of water in between the contractions.  initially selale said i wouldn't need to push very much, and then i think i ended up pushing double what she'd predicted (i'm sure that's how she fools all of her patients into thinking they're having an 'easy' labor).  emre had a big head even then, and it took some time to push him out.

another piece i had not anticipated was the  anesthesiologist's active role in my birth.  she and selale worked together as a team, and while she was only there to monitor the epidural, she actually was up on a stool pushing down on my stomach toward the end of the delivery.  apparently after each push, the baby tends to recede a bit, increasing the amount of pushes you need to make.  but pushing down on my stomach ensured that he kept moving forward.  it was extremely uncomfortable, and apparently is a somewhat controversial method, but i wasn't given a choice in the matter.

when emre finally did emerge, selale told us she could see his head and that it had hair.  we asked how much and she said 'oh, not a lot' (later we wondered about this when we saw his full head of hair, but then remembered she delivers turkish babies - and those kids can have some serious hair!).  we expected him to come out with black hair, and were completely shocked to see it was blonde!  in fact pretty much everything about him shocked me - i never expected him to look like me & had always envisioned ben's baby pictures when picturing him.


he was very quiet when he first came out and this scared me, thinking it meant something was wrong.  they put him briefly on my stomach but then took him to the sink in the corner of the room to wash him up.  i never took my eyes off of him, and cried the whole time.  ben and selale kept reassuring me he was fine - but i was just overcome with emotions (naturally).  i kept telling ben to go pick him up once he was dressed, but ben was shy at first, not sure if he'd hold him correctly, etc.  they finally brought him back to me and i held him while ben and i looked him over and marveled at what a beauty he was.

after we'd held him, they said it was time to dress me in the nightgown i'd brought and wheel me back to our room.  this was a very awkward moment, since i still couldn't move my legs and the nurses didn't seem to understand that!  but somehow they got me dressed, and then, rather clumsily, shoved me onto the gurney to wheel me to my room.  i'm fairly certain it was at that moment that i decided it was safe to declare that, yes, any of my dignity which may have remained was indeed gone.

when we got back to our room, they brought emre in and before i knew it ben's dad and bekir abi (close friend) came in to meet emre.  i was exhausted, starving (was not allowed to eat during labor) and no doubt dehydrated, having JUST returned from laboring my son.  but, they wanted their photos!  so they hung out and took millions of pictures (which, yes, i am grateful for now) while i tried to eat the grilled cheese sandwich ben had ordered for me.  let's just say it was surreal!  once they left we had a little quiet time and were getting ready to sleep when there was a knock at the door.  we assumed it was a nurse - they were constantly coming and going - but no, it was ben's aunt and uncle - at 10pm!!  we were not keen on company at that point, and asked them to call if they were going to drop by again before we checked out (which didn't work - she was back in the morning, unannounced).  it's a tradition in turkey for all friends and relatives to visit the hospital as soon as the baby is born.  we did not announce it until we could be sure we'd be home before we received any more visits - a wise decision on our part, considering we barely had enough energy to focus on taking care of our new little babe in those first hours.

the nurses continued to come in throughout the night.  mainly, they just wanted to scold me when they found emre without his pants on (not sure how else i could possibly change his diaper) or remind us that he needed to be fed (so helpful!  thank you!).  once we were finally able to sleep, we swaddled emre and put him in his bassinet.  we fell asleep and awoke to his cries only a short time later, and both sprang out of bed, completely disoriented and terrified.  it got easier as the night went on - and then finally i decided to just hold him in my arms, and we slept together that way.  it was a magical night, our first as a family.  i woke up in a lot of pain, and asked the nurses for something stronger than the tylenol they'd been barely giving me (they wouldn't trust me with it, so i had to ask for them to bring it to me every 4 hours, since they kept forgetting.  but if i were to walk into any pharmacy in turkey they'd hand far stronger stuff without a prescription.  next time, i'll bring my own!), so they gave me a shot.  in my butt.  ok, the VERY last SHRED of dignity i may have HOPED to spare was now depleted.

we dressed and headed home in the early afternoon.  we were anxious to bring emre home, where we'd all be more comfortable, and i was starving and wanted to have an actual meal (the food was crap).

i remember those first few amazing days - we were just overjoyed to have our little boy with us, finally.  once the visitors had come and gone, we got to spend several quiet days together, just us three.  a time i will always treasure.  i remember one day we didn't even get out of bed - just laid there with emre all day while he slept, passing him back and forth, in complete awe.

and i can tell you that i still feel that awe when i put him to sleep every night, one year later, my sweet little boy.